Been Here Thirty Years

For a person like me, trust is really something. It is important. It is something we can’t buy or trade nor save. Trust is something that I gain over experience over time but won’t stay long when something disturb it.

So, I work with some people in my office. One day, I learnt that after I requested for a guard to come to a house, a work didn’t happen because the contractor waited hours and nobody arrived. I investigated and found that there was no proof that the guard came when the contractor in that house means that the report I got is false. I told the person who informed me that the guard was arrived that none see him from certain time to certain time in that particular afternoon. He might came earlier, later or get to a wrong house. The person that received my information was angry said that when he informed me that the guard was arriving, the guard was arriving because he was left the station. I replied back said, he can go anywhere from the station. There was proof of he left but no proof where he went. But the person insisted that he was not telling a lie. I didn’t say he tells a lie. I said the guard he sent was not arriving in the particular destination. But the damage is really bad. He told everyone that I accused him as a liar. Perhaps he is. Because I lost my trust at once. To him and to everyone in his department. It is not easy for me to believe whatever they said. I tend to checking second time third time fourth time and forever for the same piece of information.

There is one lady who annoyed me a lot. In front of me she spoke harsh saying all things she can’t that makes me lost my temper. I cried and feel so devastated of her harsh words that blamed me for all the wrong things done by her staff. She highlighted one comment that none wants to work with me because I am not a nice person to be with. I hate her so much at that time because she spoke like that just when talk with me. When my boss call us for a meeting, she spoke softly that she did nothing wrong to me, that it was only my guilty feeling who haunted me. That she cares for me and wants to see things goes better. Ah crap! I can’t believe her saying those things opposite what she said brokening my heart a day before that. So I lost my trust in her. For me, though she claimed to be a good Christian, perhaps did good deed, involving in visiting the sick and needy, she is a fake.

Recently one person told me he has a critical illness. I was terrified. Not for the illness but the fact that he didn’t seek for a medical help. I bring it to the attention of my supervisor and school’s nurse for them to take care the matter.  I myself asking him of how long he has that illness (4 years), what the doctor said (take a blood test), how long will be the bedrest (one day). But during that conversation I feel confused. A critical illness that usually need at least 30 days of bedrest only given one sick day? Then he told me that the doctor thinks it may another critical illness to what he informed me before. I became more confuse. My supervisor and nurse made him went to the certain hospital and the hospital send them the result directly. Proven there are no any critical illness. Nothing that he informed me of in the beginning nor what he said the doctor’s think was. I started to lost my trust to him. I then investigating the work. There are lots of missing data. I chase him of that but he can’t make it happen even after the deadline date. There are lots of missing information. When I asked him of what happened he made excuses of things that sound so unreasonable but he insisted that if he lied the car with hit him in the road. I told him that I don’t believe in such things. But if he wants to keep his performance low I will keep chasing for the truth.

The bad things about me is: when I lost my trust in people. I hate them. I can’t see their face or hear their voice. I want them to be out of the circle immediately because seeing them is too painful for me to bear. That’s what I experience now. I lost trust. I hate people. I can’t functionally work because I hate them so much that I can’t accept them as a human being. Very bad huh?

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