A Consequence

After I stopped working in 2015, I started to lose hope to get a new job.  I send my CV to every other position that I saw in the job opening, but rarely got an interview invitation.  Slowly I gave up. I accepted a position that is not lasting for 3 months, then after that freelancing — as a translator, then accepted offer from my younger sister to be involved in establishing new office while also freelancing here and there.  For about 2 years, I don’t have a monthly income.  Once or twice, there are students who wants to take piano lesson, but they also don’t last for long. Get bored or got busy with school, or other thousands reason. Then one day I got a call.  I don’t remember when I did the application, or from what site I sent it thru, but that’s the only call that I got and the only one brought me to what is now.

For about a while I thought to myself, right when I was almost gave up.  Why I kept pursuing a position that challenging? A sophisticated job that will require all my mind and brain to be intact, also my time.  For five years or so, I kept on busy answering emails, before and after office hours, in the red-letter days and weekends. I felt burdened of the amount of the overwhelming works.  I did it well, but I can’t keep myself in balance. I was losing temper in some helpless situation. I hardly wake up in the morning as right after I get into the taxi, the first thing to do is opening my emails, see what’s pending, started to reply, all the way into the office. I tried of make myself played games, or watch drama during that period. It wasn’t always work — sadly.  The urgency of the work pushing me more into keep my eyes on the incoming emails rather than to keep myself in balance.

The next job after that burdening me in another aspects.  Not only I was not capable to bring more funding into the organization (I did bring some yet insignificant amount), but I also can’t held my anger to see the organization die little by little, and can’t handle the war of stressful CEO who wants me to do something where there is nothing real. My head was like almost explode. I remember the days when I can’t wake up in the morning as I was demotivated and lost my trust in people I worked with, years ago, the similar situation that burdening and unhealthy.

So, I thought to myself. For twenty years, I’ve been anything, from Housing Coordinator, to Technology Assistant, from Program Manager to Trainer, even to Accounting clerk and Secretary.  I’ve been in a company, a firm, a school, NGO and even in indefinite organization.  Why I can’t grow in a place where I can offer my clerical skills? Why I chase the rainbow when there is no rain? So I did. In the interview I told my-boss-to-be that I don’t chase to be the leader (anymore), I just need to be among a team, a support task, a help, an assistant, someone to execute the orders — kindly don’t makes me to plan, makes contingency plan, budgeting or making decision in crisis (tell me about damage control tell me).

I then got the job. I may underestimating myself or the work challenge. But, it was tough. I don’t think the job is so complicated, the work is very challenging, the task is impossible and so on, but to humble myself being in place that I wont be recognized is not easy.  I miss my old office, seriously.  Though the amount of the work is overwhelming, the colleagues is not as promising, but there are still a team work feeling, and a recognition from the supervisor. I heard praise from time to time, if not toward me, toward my team. In here, I hardly got team work feeling nor recognition. It was always something lacking, something off, something missing, something not right that highlighted. I don’t want to complain though.  That’s the consequence of this position.  Not everyone in this world understand the need of recognition, nor also everyone in this big working force been in a real team work situation. I want to accepting myself being in this situation as well — as everyday it will me my weakness that got in the spotlight, not the opposite.

I watch a drama that comforting me — funny, how drama can be so real.  Romance is a Bonus Book. I was so into Kang Dan I.  A previously talented copywriter who wasn’t able to return to the workforce after her divorce. She decided to try for a lower requirement — a high school graduate, and then she got the job in the task support team.  Kang Dan I wants to help, but also wants to be recognize for her contribution, but her struggle seems similar with mine that I relate with her in almost all episodes.  It gave me spirit to see her smile through the laundry-handling tasks, or gift-handling tasks. I almost yell out – Hang in there pal! Hehehehe.

I realize something precious — it is not easy to being in a place when I won’t be recognized (YES) — it is not easy to be in a place when though I did well I don’t hear even a thank you (YES) — it is not easy to be in a place when daily I heard my weakness and my lacking being pointed (YES). But I will hang in there. I am not chasing the waterfalls.


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