Let’s define Pretty. I never feel pretty nor beautiful.

First, because since I was little I believed that I am ugly. The reflection that I saw in the mirror doesn’t show that I am stunning or something. Not like the other mother in this world that usually praising their children excessively, my mom never praise my beauty or appearance. All that I remember she said was that I was ugly. I was smelly. I was fat. Nobody will likes me. No man will take a look on me. So, though years after I grown up I can see someone that is not so bad reflected I still not believe the mirror.

Second, because like my mom’s said, nobody likes me. I remember when I was in High School, the boys send their greetings towards the girls through some gesture like cookies, chocolate or letters. I never had one. When I was in the university. I remember few nights of prom-like party when the girls are so full of excitement being invited by the the boys. I want to be invited. I never invited.

Because of tha, I always want to looks pretty. All means. I want once or sometimes people praising me for my looks or appearance. I glimpse the stunning girl with envy of how they attracted people’s attention to them though sometimes their brain stuck. I always sensitive of people’s comments about me of my weight, my hair, my skin or so. Still, though I am getting far from my youth, my mom and relatives gave negative comments. You are so big. When I was at your age I was not that big. You are so ugly. Be careful your husband will run away from you.

Now, I am 43. Supposedly not to be obsessed by looks anymore. This is the era when we can manipulate the looks with gadget. There is 360 cameras apps installed in almost every smartphone. There is Photoshop. DLSR cameras comes with filters and eventually just by playing with it I can produce a better picture. In this era various social media also exposing people to show off about their daily life. People posted their selfies in their various timeline. Then I realized *I’ve been shaken by this reality once but then forget about it*….

In this age, when most of women started to have wrinkles I am still free. When most of my age women’s metabolism clogged I am still okay. Not slim but hardly said fat. Not stunning but hardly said ugly. When I and my BFF took pictures together, I didn’t look less. I don’t need the 360, I don’t need beautification camera. I can be myself and looks just okay.

I am pretty.


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