I am not Prepared

How long has it been? Seem like thousand years. Thousand years ago , I sat miserably in my desk, underpaid and struggling. At that time I think to myself that it will be real lucky if I can be promoted one level.

Now, I sit in another desk. I was not only promoted one level, but three level up, with possibility for more.

Am I that good?

I always think that I am THAT good. This afternoon in a department meeting, people has to shoot a word of two about my strength and my weakness. Most if not all of them call me smart. A hardworking person with knowledge and willingness to learn. I was called a fast learner who turn something impossible into possibilities. I was called a multitalented person with straightforward speak and honesty. Those words all WOW for me.

I knew they will say that because all these years I worked hard to make myself like that, But what happen to the JUTEK? The un-social person, the one never smile or greets good morning. What happen to the rude and cruel person? The one that nobody likes? Is she ever exist? Or she was transformed?
I NEVER transformed. Still JUTEK, still rude and cruel to people who doesn’t know me, still never smile and never greets good morning. These people who told me those words has seen the REAL me. This face or appearance or what-so-called casing is not affecting their judgement.

They also not scared telling me my weaknesses bluntly. They told me I think too much *let’s act now. I need the word tolerance in my dictionary *difficult word for me. I have to realize that being right is not everything but work together is the more important *Hiras and my Dad said the same things.

Wohoo. Nothing such, no manner, straight face, too quiet, not kind etcetera? Are we talking about a same person here?

This is strange. Really. After years listen to those labels from my mom, from the church member, from relatives, from neighbors, I don’t prepare for this. I always wish people accept me as I am but I don’t know that I got surprised myself when it happened.

This is me.


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