Can’t Remove It Now

I questioning myself about love this lately. Is my definitions right? Apparently not.

Back in year 2008, somewhere among the temples in Angkor, I made a promise to myself and to God, that I won’t hate my mom anymore. Many years before that, I can’t really get along with her. If not of our similar face, I would think I was adopted.

I can’t accept her ego, I can’t understand her thirst of money, I don’t like her habit that always talked too much and exposing her shallow knowledge, I am against her thought that proud and underestimating others and I can’t forgive her judgements towards me.

Among her judgements are: I am never pretty, I am ugly, I won’t never met a good man that likes me, I am fat, I am too quiet, I am un-sociable, I won’t never success with my career because I don’t like to smile and nobody likes me because of my straight forward habit.

Five years then after 2008, I realize that I never forgive her. I don’t avoid her, I don’t make comments to whatever she does, but I didn’t completely removed the bitternes in my heart. I can’t love her or accept her as she is. I still shut my heart, my ears and blocking my brain when she is around. I still think she is not wise and don’t like her ways. Sighing, sighing, sighing.

In Wiang Kum Kan, two weeks ago, I made another promise to myself and to God, to try to love her. Today, I realize it will be a hard narrow path for me as I also realize, forgiving and forgetting is not my strongest talent.

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