Logic, please

Tell me where I do wrong? I am a regular, a common person with common personality.

I might be weird, but I think I knew many people that more weird than me. *sigh.

I am sensitive, I am careful with my tongue, I care about people, I work my work seriously, I put a high standard and great goals for best result.

But, where I am now?

Eight months ago I applied to a position that I thought will be an escape gate towards an advancement. I didn’t success.  A month ago I applied to another position with same desire. Yet I didn’t success.  Yesterday, I got the hit, my position will be closed. Again.

Three years ago my position was closed but unimaginable one-party decision. I was okay with that consider that mostly my time working I was under utilizing my capabilities because the load is not much at all.  Finding a new position is somehow is another struggle because the HR manager force me to apply for a new position. Just later and now I realize it was a wrong practice again the working policy.  Sigh.

Now, with this handful load of work, I can not seem to understand why this position has again to be closed just because the supervisor resigned.  But it is closed.

I feel cursed.

Sigh. By all means and effort I try to email and talk to everyone that might care about the situation and yesterday came an announcement. While the office is closed, my other colleague will stationed in a new office by the Deputy Head and for me is still a question mark.  If and if there is no available and suitable I might ended up laid off by June 2012.  Sigh and sigh.

Where did I do wrong?

When reflecting I see a really brown mirror. Failure failure and failure. Someone who overrate she herself as a capable person when in reality there is really nothing. If my work is good, no ways people can’t see that this position is really something they have to maintain, isn’t it? If my work is excellent, no ways people will think to close it just in a click. And if I am a good person, no ways I will be left out in plans like what happened now.

I must be a failure.

Failure in my work.  I just realize it today.

Hurts as I always think I am good and capable. If I am good now way my position is closed or I am not hired for another position.

Failure in my role as pastor’s wife. I just realize it today.

Hurts as I always think when I am is I am, I am sincere and good person. If I am good no way the church member will critisizes me and hates me.

Tell me where I do wrong? Logic please.