This posting could be the most deep ever I wrote. Forgiving is a difficult job for me. I tend to keep everything came to my sense in a virtual file. In order. Alphabetically. And current. Means: whenever I need the facts, it will be very easy to unload. And if I don’t keep it forever (~~ever), I will arrange a revenge. I sometimes feel like a little snake that stay un-moved for hours waiting for a prey as I may have lifetime patience to wait for the best time for a revenge.
Unnaturally, I never find revenge sweet.
When I was a child, my dad kept comparing with with a neighbour’s child. I hate her so much. She is pretty, for sure, bright in school and great in playing the piano and people like her, everything that is not me. Though I keep my face and my body clean, I smile and laugh at other’s joke, and also playing piano, not so much people likes me. I found people around can easily point to my weakness, too shy, too quiet, which is true or not nice, not friendly, which is not true. The situation only leads me to a great hate towards that bright kid. Even until we grew up. I stand back from my revenge as I learned that her life is not as colorful as mine. Only when I knew that she less lucky than me I can forget and forgiving.
That’s not good. I know.
I also not easy to forgiving my mom. She is not an ideal mother, but she is my mom. Me and my younger brother only 22 moths apart. After that my other younger sister appear a year after him. With that complicated family situation, I lost a loving feeling. That’s why when older people keep advising me to having another child soon after my son, so the effort and pain will package altogether, I said No no! I am a product of that kind of belief, and I can tell that I am not loved. Who loves me? My mom? Doubts. She had busy with two others babies and left the oldest child by herself. What can I expect? My dad? A typical old-time man that keep distance with his children? For kind of years I really in a good question of who-loves-me and found none. My mom easily gave me silent treatment if she found anything from my behavior she couldn’t approve. My mom never appreciate my opinion, my mom keeps on a thought that she is so unlucky for having daughters not sons. As parents they taught me values but not love. Forgiving my mom is another years effort. Only when I realize how pathetic she seeing her self-life, I can forgive her and forget the painful years.
And now, I am about forgiving God.
In the first place, I thought this is a new invention by me, but I was wrong indeed. Many of good theologians had talk about this subject many years ago. Six months ago, I tried hard to forgiving Him of not allowing me to have a more comfortable life, and I think, because I still hardly do, I sent out my loyalty in another shape. Now, an opportunity open again, but, I am so worry, of what had happened six months ago, that it will happen again. The worry sickening me. Burn my stomach and drying my spirit. It’s so difficult to forget what happened realize that the most difficult is forgiving God.
If I had such a great God, that loves me in any condition and situation, and if I already accept my destiny and follow His path why I still had to suffer? Ouch.
Good question. God knows.