Christmas is near. A year of my life is flying away.
The beginning of the year feels so difficult and heavy. I can’t say it in a better way. That is. My husband hospitalized early January of a Steven-Johnsson syndrome caused of allergic to sulfa-based antibiotics that the doctor thinks can cure his cough. At that time, I went to the office every morning, my son went to the school every morning, like the other same days but that days with a losing feeling. All day I wanted to be in the hospital, stay near to his bed. But even if I rushed in after work to visit him, there was not much I can tell him to comfort him. I can’t tell if he’s getting better or not as he felt all uneasy and lost. Staying in the same bed, in the small room just by himself for 10 days. I learnt that words doesn’t comfort him, television doesn’t entertained him and medicine only slowly helped him. I can’t help much. I cried. Frustrated.
The recovery happened slowly. He happened to allergic to many kinds of foods and I have to carefully look on it. He needs at least two month to recover the cracked lips and to be able to chew and swallow the food normally. I went all the recovering process and see that it is not easy to be sick!
Not only him, me too, my son’s too.
As summer came, he getting better and better, stronger and healthier. Get back the pounds that lost and getting happier. While I can exhale relief breath, my health turned to worsen to a dangerous stage. Of course, it is as expected, but yet I can tell I am not ready to face it. I feel worn and exhausted. Those are days when I feel that I pass through every day with sadness, cry and prayers. I wasn’t optimistic and feel my pain would take longer and longer. I lost hope.
That’s terrifying. When you lost. Losing. Hope.
I challenge God. God that I’ve know for many years.
Of where He is when I need Him?
I asked Him lots of questions of why He let this terrible life happened to me, a good children of Him? I am not like any other who disobeyed, I am not like any other who ignoring God and religious practice.
Nor I indignant but my head almost exploded with lots of why and why? Why God lets those unruly-life people to have a wealthy-happy life but not me? Why God lets some people live luxuriously in a trials-fee life when I have to face a mountainously amount of it?
Why my beloved father can’t be in a second look down and save me? I felt ignored. Likely a dogs who watch crumbs from the master’s table. I felt ignored like the most end person in the queue. I felt treated unfair. Really unfair!
While down in the uncertainty, I know, fully realize, that nothing is fair in this world.
But, it doesn’t help me to sobs. Hours sob off my frustration and powerlessness of changing my situation. Hours sob out to heaven wishing that somebody will care of me. Hours sob of wanting an answer. Even until this second I wrote this posting I don’t get a right feeling as when I can control my emotional feelings. Knowing answer is not something I can expect, knowing that before I have to move forward I have to done one thing.
Not for what He did to me. But for what He didn’t do.
Surely sound strange. Somehow I think I already did that few months ago by make a good commitment of something important. But not yet, I am closed but not yet there. I have to be there, soon. Reaching.