Its July.  Six months passed on year 2011.  When did last time I posted in this blog? I don’t quite remember myself. Past and present are blurry mixed in my mind. Nightmares still current.

I do hope for some change. A good body that not getting tired easily.  A stomach that not getting heartburn every two hours.  I really missed the strong myself that usually keep up with any challenges.  Well, medicine and vitamins only helps me a little. The rest of my days I still hardly count as I felt it slowly gone with its difficulties.

About six weeks ago there is a job opening in this office. I was not so excitedly think about it, but after some encouragements from friends I decided to apply.  Happened that the interview went well.  Somehow too well.  Just few hours after that one of the interviewer congratulate me.  I decided not to be happy before I heard it from the director herself, which is a good decision because,  something wrong happened.  The director asked for a reference from my current supervisor and he *ouch* appointed only the mistakes that I made in the past.  I failed to the position then. When I know the matter that made me failed I can not do nothing but felt angry, and too much angry even until now. Why should he gave such a bad reference like that? Why he made assumption on case and blame it on me who happened took a sick leave when it happened?

I took a step to bravely wrote an email and talked to him about that.  It wasn’t easy. For two years and somehow more I did try to make him understand that I am underpaid. I was given work and responsibilities that keep growing without considering the fact that the position was in a lower classification because the management think they won’t need my skills on that position! I did my work consistently diligent yet he complains a lot and only highlighted about the facebook time I caught been.  What about other people who also was in the facebook and their quality was low and their work not done? He doesn’t even say a sorry, he said – well, okay, the things not completely your mistake but still you got a part on it! What?

This is really unfair. The whole story is unfair.  I feel so angry. That is why I don’t feel any sorry feeling nor sympathy when I heard he is in trouble, he lost his apartment, he lost his money, he lost his power in his position.  What you expect me to do? You did so rude and cruelly hold my salary review and you asked me to be sorry for your situation?  To be honest I can not respect him as I should do, I keep thinking how rude he was to me from time to time by keep blaming me on any mistakes.

I wish for a change.  Not only physically. I wish I could be stronger. Body and mind.  If two years ago, after I gave up those unlucky debt I felt so free and happy. This year, if I gave up this review will I feel the same?


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