There are times when I feel so afraid. My hand and feet feel so cold. My heart tremble. In a second I think I will have a gloomy future imagining a cheerless me with too many life trouble walk alone fighting for the disease. I suddenly feel depressed and down.
Then I bow my head and pray. Prayer is the only tool I can use in this situation.
Some people asked why they need to pray. God doesn’t answer.
I know that feeling. I felt the same for sometimes and many times. When I heard about the disease for the first time, I cried. I pray and in my prayer I cried. I talked to God for about 24 hours non stop. Lay in my bed, curl like a shrimp, and repeating my question. Why this is happen to me dear Lord? Why you let this happen to me? What do you want me to be? Why don’t you remember all good things that I ever done? Why don’t you count my service and my good intentions? I love you God, and I care to serve you, not likely most people in this world who doesn’t even think You are present?
In those time, I couldn’t hear God himself. I hardly have any soothing feelings inside me. More I saw my husband got sick. See him suffering from the allergic. See him fighting the illness. See the slow recovery. More I asked God in prayer. I cried a lot. I jump from being asking him politely for a kindness and miracle to being angry because I already beyond my depressing points. I jump from being trustfully to being rudely mad.
Yet, after almost two months, I realize that God never left me. Not even once.
I was through a terrible time but I don’t get sick badly. I got headache once, stomachache once, dizzy once, tired once but nothing knock me to the hospital bed. Not yet. There is a strength I couldn’t describe that lead me through these times.
Some people might asked why pray when we don’t feel comforted.
I know that feeling exactly because though I pray for hours, my heart still troubled. I somehow wish if there is another way other than prayer. In these times I don’t get any comfort. Not from God, not from my family nor my friends. It was not easy. Being through a sleepless and restless life is not easy. Yet, I realize that my feeling is something that keep changing. God never change.
I am moving on. Still gloomy. Still unhappy, not yet.
Still I bowed my head, and start the pray.