Successfully Slow

I feel so lonely.  A lonely loner.

Christmas that supposedly a happy time in a year for me like a period of hell. From last Christmas to now,  each day I crawl upon my sadness to stand still and function as I should be. It is really hard and tiring. When the night fall I tried to sleep but each dream woke me up in a rapid heart beat painfully hit my chest from inside.  In a rate of four weeks or so, I don’t have good sleep and terribly lost my appetite.

It’s a disease. A killing one.

When I still in the phase of digesting the new meaning of the disease in my body. My husband got another bad news about his health that makes him hospitalized for more than a week.  He doesn’t fully recovered even until now, two weeks after dismissed from the hospital.  This is the very first time I saw someone suffer from allergic reaction that severe. And that means something else to us. His allergic is not something we can treat simple as usual. Because it is serious.

I imagine myself in despair of my disease and has to take care of my husband. I saw him depressingly cry through the painful stage of the recovery. I become someone he leaned on while I myself is unbalance.  I had to support him while I myself is not happy. I have to comfort him while I myself wants to cry a lot. I prayed. I cried. I got headache. Prayed again. Cried again. Shout to God. Got another headache. Prayed. Cried. Repeating the cycle on and on.

I completely lost myself.  I don’t care what to wear. I don’t care about my look. I don’t care of everything. I just want to fold myself into a shell and sleep. A good sleep I don’t have for quite a long time with hope I don’t have to wake up to feel another pain.

I questioned myself why I felt so despair and sad? I am now forty years old. I passed half of my age. How old I expect to be? Seventy or Eighty? No. I just expect to see my son grow up be a responsible adult and I won’t have more regret to rest from this painful worlds.  Though my son is still young, I should not lose hope of the future as I prepared the best for him.

I questioned myself why I felt so low? I haven’t completely lost hope.  Though this disease can not fully recover, I still can live well and happy.  But know what?  Even with those understanding the feeling of losing something precious is not easy to ease.

I now can see what people with disease saw. It is easy to tell them: You have to be happy. Happiness is the medicine. Be strong and move on. And so on.  Now, when I experience it myself, I know that it is not easy. Though I have all the theory and have positive attitude, still I feel down.

Particularly when I have no friend who raise my spirit.  I felt so lonely.

And I start to think about something.

All these years I treasure my friendship as a precious one. My facebook wall filled with pictures of my friend and me having fun.  My days was kind of filled with me taking care of my siblings while they have occasions and or need to be comforted emotionally.  I open to whenever they want to chat. But, where are they when I need a comfort? I terribly ignored this four weeks. The only friends care about me is only Dani, my office colleague.

By this writing I closed my past.

I was a fastmover who wants to do things slowly.

I am now successfully do things slowly, as I have to, to reserve myself to this disease.

I was a friend-wise and family-wise in the past, but now, I will only think about me, my husband and my son. Being a good mother to my son and enjoy lovers-time that I never had in the past with my husband.  I am not going to live long, but I will live enough for my son.  I won’t let anything that disturb me in the past disturb me again in the future. What will my best tag? — A selfish miracle seeker?

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