Rain and So

This week came with rain.  I think it is weird, since we are no longer in wet season here. Now is May, we supposedly see the spark of Summer.  The week before was so hot.  I think the Summer has an early bird. I was wrong, indeed. We are here in a don’t-know-what-season situation.

Out of the confusion, I can tell that the week is unique. The temperature was not as hot as the weeks before as the cloud hang in the sky since the morning. About 1pm, the cloud getting thicker and by 3pm it’s pouring the load.  For five days in a row, I don’t go on my afternoon walk.

As I found that it is quite a distance to the public swimming pool, and fitness centre membership may rob my budget, I decided to down to the most simple exercise. Walk and/or run.  I take benefit from my housing situation that is clear and quiet. In a good day, I take six laps circling the complex in about an hour.  Practically a replacement to the treadmill service. 😀 with a bonus of nice view of sunset and birds tweet.

The only challenge is the unpredictable weather. Like this week.

I am restless as I count.  One, two, three, four, five. Duh.  Let me tell you why I count.

From the time I was a teenager, I already battle with excessive weight. Though the scale and mirror said  I have an ideal weight, I still think I need to be slim.  Surely I can’t. I was born with lovely bones that grow to a certain athletic shape.  I never can eliminate the chubby cheek though I was losing several pounds due to illness.  I was on periodic dietary that I create myself, limiting my food intake and improve my exercise due to the reason.

Those efforts never made me slim. In matter of fact, I get some muscles. Which made me looks more tomboy. With short haircut, jacket and jeans, I usually mistaken to be a boy.

When I started my role as an office worker, I learnt about the beauty shop.  Instant treatment to loose the waist size.  Friends was also a bad influence. I don’t remember anybody told me that I am perfect and nice as I am. Most of friend told me that I need to loose some weight if I want to look better. Mom told me that I need to loose weight to get a man, as man doesn’t like fatty girl.

The worst time when I think is my biggest battle is after I delivering my son, ten years ago. Pregnancy brought me a good weight gaining that I hardly loose, even to now.  I still have around five excessive kilograms that haunted me and made me think that I am not good person whenever I look at myself in the mirror, and made me count. One, two, three, four, five. Duh.

Two days with no exercise did makes me restless. Now five days. The worry cells regulating through my blood and started makes me seeing fat that was not there last week.  Then seeing myself as a bad person. Geeh. Isn’t it too much?

I don’t have a daughter now, but if I have one, I will certainly not copy my grow-up pattern. I don’t want her to be haunted like me.  You know what, though I certainly understand that I am still looks good with those excessive kilograms,  perfectly understand that I am could not be happier than now though I lost ten kilograms, I still haunted.  Whenever I doubt, I usually dig my photo collection that show me and my friends. Just to prove that I didn’t look different nor bigger than them.  Of course not.  And even some of friends that really big with size over 18 didn’t look bad at all.  Everyone is happy with their own strength and weakness.  But, yet, deep inside I still carefully count.  Count the calories, count the missing exercise, one, two, three, four, five. Duh.

Today is very hot. Seem there won’t be rain today.  Go on walk, shall we?

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