Chat this morning with my friend. Bus from home usually arrived at the school around 6:30am in the morning, means, I still have around 45 minutes to play with my computer or chit-chat around with friends. Unfortunately somehow some people unable to understand that and when catch me play they send a complaint through my boss ~~who attentively knows that the complaint is in wrong place hehe~~
Back to the topic. This morning chat is kind a heavy rain. Two days ago I experience a storm. Dark sky, heavy rain, big wind, lightnings and thunders flows all dust from the ground, leaves from the trees and break it’s branches. After the storm, electricity was down and for a long hours we enjoy the clean air. Kind of air that I rarely able to enjoy in Jakarta’s polluted environment. Somewhat interesting how the storm change the air quality.
I always feel being burdened by a great demand made in my home. As the eldest of five children I have to be very good. A kind perfect person obeying all my parent’s order. I should be perfect.
Those are too difficult for me. For many years I don’t really know what I want. I was too afraid of being cheery and too shy to explore. Before doing anything I consider what my mom will say, what my dad will comments, what this person or that person or neighbour or people will say. My mom keep saying: don’t makes us ashamed! which to me refer as an absolute order to be calm and obedience at all time ~~consider how difficult it is for an expressive teenager like me~~ If I attempted to break the rules my mom had two different treatments. First, silent treatment, not to talk to me for a long time, could be for two or three weeks. Second, crying and sick to makes me felt a burdened guilty feeling.
I should not rebel no matter how unfair the situation to me, I should not yell not matter how tired I was, I should not cry no matter how sad I was and just following the rules and be perfect!
One day my dad pointed a girl from my church. This girl appeared to be dilligent, got A grade and obedience in piano practice. My heart was broken. Please don’t compared me with another in such unfair comparison. But what could I do? ~~Ten years after that I still clearly remember what my dad had said and in a chance pointed her back to him, because she turned to be not as perfect as expected. Jokingly I asked my dad: do you wish I follow her now?~~ I somehow know that his love to me is conditional. It is only there if I am good and nice, not when I was not. It could be true, because never to my experience my parents accepted me just as I am.
Eleven years ago I decided to get married. I was too much too tired of repeating arguments with my mom. She accused me as a snob girl, a not nice girl, a crazy girl and called me with hundreds negative labels. I was tired of the silent treatments, of the crying and of the sickness, fed up with the kind talks about my friends who got married to force me out of my peaceful world. I was exhausted of being labeled and blame for anything goes wrong. In fact, I don’t really wants to get married. At least not yet by the time I remember. I had plenty of goals to achieve. Eleven years ago I surrender my life and my future to makes my mom happy. I marry a man that I only knew for a six months before the wedding day. I even not sure that I will be happy everafter as I know that I don’t know well the man I marry with.
If I looked back I know I don’t regret. I have a nice home though it is not a perfect one. But where is my mom when I suffered of home conflicts? Where is she when I need a support with my child? Where is she when I faced these challenges?
Where is the support and where is the love? All I knew is demand and demand which so demanding.
My friend, D, is also an eldest of five children. Felt the same demand, and feel a hatred of being treat unfair by parents. So similar. Makes me asked a good question: tell me how to free yourself from the hatred?
She said, it is difficult. I know. It is not easy to ease myself from the hatred. I still felt it now. Even when I wrote this.
To me, the result of those demanding demands to my personality is this: when I met some people who is difficult, I won’t tolerate. For some difficult people I rather hate them and attack them and let nothing unfair they do to me without any revenge. Not give in, not give up nor give way. Why? Because simply I don’t feel ever been tolerated nor understood? I justify my intolerance by pointing my past which also means that I did not totally forgive it. I know that is not a good behavior I want to keep, but tell me how to get out of that!
Buddha said: In this world never hatred overcome by hatred, only tolerance could prevail hatred.
This morning chat with Bu D is like a heavy rain washed my confused brain. Like the storm that removed a large part of the trash from my heart. I am not alone suffering. And if Bu D could tolerate why can’t I? I know I can. I can.