Maybe I’ll need another soothing journey. Think about it for later. Now I just want to write this posting as a contribution to mother daughter relationship topic. Heartly difficult for me to start to wrote. I have two pending posting about same topic that I kept in my draft folder but never published . I wrote them at the very deep dissapointment and in wise thinking to let not bias reflected I kept them in there. Oh, also because I was afraid somebody cruel might use that to against me. ~~I know somebody very cruel is always shadowing this blog to learn about my weakness and gossiping around the churches about how stupid and hypocrite I am. He did it once and I know he will do again 😦 But, let him do that if he wishes~~
Eversince my father passed away my relationship with my mother spiralled down worse and worse each time. I somehow don’t understand why I more and more become sensitive and unable to accept her as she is. I remember that I never liked the way she showed her dissaproval through a rude face expression and a long silent treatment, and now I also feel annoyed by her negative comments towards things. Before, I unable to resisted her critics to my attitude, now I feel annoyed by her critics to my financial status and to my home and to hundred things in me. Before, I could handle to be humiliated in front of related now I am pushed to an edge where I have to be humiliated by hundreds people I never know in my life.
I feel that she never believed that I was clever enought to handle university, she never believed that I am good enough to marry a nice person and she never believed that I don’t like the way she treated me. I did try to talk nicely, tell her my feelings, I did attack her in her weakness so she would able correct it, did try to be her friend, did try the silent treatment, did try to give her a lot and did try to not to, all without an expected result. She still treated me as an unexpected daughter.
Tell me about childhood trauma, tell me about unloved background. People could tell me anything but still couldn’t change the fact that she hurts while she is my mother. Tell me about the sacrifice of a mother, the baby born miracle. Still it couldn’t change the fact that I am annoyed and burdened a lot.
Browsed the internet, I found a lot of experts said that mother daughter relationship is the greatest bonding ever. More I read to it, more I feel nausea. Maybe envy.