Just when I think I knock two things down from my list, something else come up. And this time, I fully broken to a tears. Along the pathway of the ruins of St. Paul and the Mount Fortress, I shaken in cry. Last night, I didn’t sleep at all. I left the internet cafe on 12:30 and just awake until 5. During that suffering time, I pull my feet to my chest. Hope my heart that broken could be comforted that way. I might sleep after that for two hours, but thats all. But, I don’t stayed in bed, I decided to go along the Senado Square and walk around on the historical sites to beat my trouble.
As I walk, and have sms conversation, I don’t care about what people will think about me. I let my tears gone through my cheeks. When I enter the churches and sit on the benches, I let my tears come more and more until my shoulder shaken. I don’t care anymore if people think I am crazy!
My burden is too big for me to care myself. I started with the rain of my frustration about my life, my un-challenging life , losing my confidence, losing myself and my focus. Then I on the stream of the unhappy workplace. After that the lightfire struck on my relationship with family. Now, storms came as it is the last battle of being a pastor-wife.
I just not able to take it. I know I am not a perfect person. Not a perfect wife, not a perfect employee, not a perfect relative, not a perfect friend and not a perfect pastor-wife. But, when everything exposed to me as my fault, there is nothing could help me than to burst in tears.
Lot of tears. Lot and lot of tears. Fall down to my cheeks, to my shirt, to my lap and to the benches, to the floor and to the earth. Each time I pray so God will see my broken heart and mend it. And I hope for a real miracles sudden. I just not able to understand why this year has been so tough to me. Why people unable to see what good from me, and keep highlighted my weakness and found what they think not good from me?
God knows how much time, dedication, money and love I gave to this service. To the congregation, to each of the church member, to their activities and to serve God. But, it is always the same. People saw the bad side of the stories. Each time.
If I am not dissapointed, I am asking God many many times today. If I am not perfect, why He called me on this particular position. Why He let me suffer?
The storm is in.