I’ve been away for a week now. There are some kind of things that I settled with myself. But, there are some more to work on.
Okay, here it is. I renew my commitment that is to fix things with my husband. He is a great man. The only one who is able to love me just like what I am. Not asking much far from what I am able to be. Though he heard a lot of complaints of his wife being uncompetent to be a pastor wife, he still doesn’t ask much. He just advise me sometimes to be more cheerful if he saw be being a real loner. ~~hey, though I agree that is no man is an island, I can not change what naturally is me~~ I do appreciate his being a fortress from those crazy critics out there. He supports me in anytime, good or bad, health or sick ~~though many time he just advised me to sleep to cure the illness :)~~ in summer or winter, in happy or sad, and for me these almost 10years of our marriage were great. For me, we just were by the altar yesterday. He guided and advised me much and bring me to a new sense of being what better person I am now.
So feel guilty that I was so ignored. Being much absorbed in my own autistic world that have only me, me and me inside it. I was unable to be a good support to him, and being another shoulder for together carry on. From now on, I want to be someone who think about him. He has the right to it. He deserves it. By today, I am going out of the chamber of ego.
Today, I decided to let go my hatred. As I am dissapointed by some people, I realized that I have to move on.
I loaned some amount of money to a person. He didn’t return it. Until now. Worst, he avoid any of communication from me. Not answered my phone call and no reply to sms text. Not only him, but his wife as well. I already had load of anger to him and his wife. Not only of the money, but also the behavior. He is much older than me, I expect him to be more wiser. Know that what he did only make the situation fall to a worse step. Exposed to a situation that I might not be able to collect the money from him put me in a frustation.
Talking about money. I never in my heart feel that I don’t have enough. Not because I have much, but more because I believe when it is small it is enough when it is much it is still enough. I believed God will supply sufficiently. That what He always did in my life. I never had more than just enough. And though I somewhat not happy with my financial situation when comparing it with my friends, I can tell that I am fine. I had the opportunity to give some of my money to the church as part of my service to God. I had the opportunity to shared with many people as part of my happiness being blessed by God. But, money doesn’t just filled my pocket like the water from the tap. I have to work, and I have to save. So, I am not happy to realize that someone just borrowed my money then unable to return it .
Today, I decided to let it go. Let the money go. If I could be a channel of blessing to him, that is what will be fine for me. As for the relationship, that is something I need to work on more on the coming days. I don’t think I already able to meet him and his wife and say hi like there is no problem had happened between us.
I was also dissapointed by a judgment made to me by a person. She supposedly supported me, but then I realized that she made a judgmental assessment to my work and my personality. She said, unless I change, I won’t be success in my life. She puts me in the edge of her perfection without any wise thought that I am a different person with her. She put me in her standards and assessed me by her own indicators. Well, look at her, she is not being success herself…. but that is not the good approach to this problem. I was resisting that she and me had to accepts our different in a professional way. She did not agree with me. But, I keep pushing the idea, and suffered everyday stress because I was not satisfy with her reaction.
Today, I decided, though I am not agree with her, and though she pushed me to the edge, I won’t do anything to that. I mean, the best person who knows who am I is myself, other than God and maybe my soulmate. Why in this world I should carry on and care on whatever others might think about me? I could go cheap and politely go ahead with myself and let them in their thought, right? I don’t have to change just to make her happy. I have to change to make myself happy.
I am still in a chrysalis. Know that, though I had the ideas, and had the commitment, the practice won’t be as easy as I think. That what I need to work on more on this coming days. Hopefully won’t be long, as I still have another thread to care of.