Softly & Slowly

A fast-mover who successfully do her things slowly!

Start Again

One good reason why I decide to get this travel is because I more and more get a feeling of losing myself.  I am not happy with my life.  I am not happy with myself.  I find it is hard to wake up in the morning, know that new day is a new burden.  More and more I unable to focus on anything. I am frustrating of small problems and depressed on a big one. I only know then that  my situation is terrible.

Let me start with the beginning of the year. In January, my father in law passed away in Sumatra.  He was not so very old, and we were not having any idea how severe his illness was.  I have some saving.  Plan to be able to make it a down-payment for a house.  I don’t have a house yet while I already worked for 14 years and married for 9 years.  I  found it a shame.  Most of my friends who graduate in the same years as me, is on 20-years some installment of their house.  Some had already finished their 10-years installment or even pay in cash for it.  I haven’t start yet.  So, in January, I lost about 30% of the saving.   We ended up paid half of the whole amount of the funeral.  Batak’s funeral is always expensive.  I am happy because there is something I can do for my husband’s family.  But I was not happy to know that the other 4 children were only able to paid half of it.  Bigger burden to our shoulder.  For our stays there, we mostly pay for car and other necessities that should be paid together.  Hey, you might see that I am complaining here.  Yes, I am happy but not so happy about it. I just have no choice.

In February, my husband was working on his thesis while then our laptop computer broken. I know how important for him to finalize his thesis hopefully to graduate this year.  So, I bought him another laptop computer.  It was not a very good one, since it will be expensive.  But still, I am using some of my saving.

In March, I started to learn that my job is more and more unbearable.  Not only the fact that I don’t have much to do.  I got much disturbed by the behavior of the HR officers. My boss let them gave some of their load to me. But, they never really giving a load.   When they asked me to do a work, they will only delegate a silly works.  Like, shredding papers. My boss shreds his own papers.  I could not see any reason why I should do it for them, other than as a reason to underestimate me.  Another person in that office keep yelling out: “Hey Annie, your filing is messy” while I know it was not my fault.  It was herself who asked the office boy to returned the file.  What to expect from an office boy? If it became messy, she must realized it was her fault.  Unfortunately, that was not what she done.  She yelled up it to me.  Their manager once told me this (I bet I wrote it here in this blog somewhere): We expect this high (and put her hand 30 cm above her head) and you achieve this high (put her hand about hips level).

I became more and more not satisfy with the office after that.  More and more not able to resist any kind of any behavior. I became angry because my supervisor asked me to staple the paper exactly in the same place for every stack.  I became angry because another colleague asked me to do a translation in a tight deadline.  I became angry because the driver of the care smelt or unpolite.

In June, someone called me and ask for money loan.  His child is about to enter school and need money.  I was happy to give it to him. Trust and respect that he will return it to me on time as he promised.  Then, a month after that I realized that something is wrong.  Even after I call and text him, nothing expected happen.  Until now.  What makes me more unhappy is, that he never returned my text or call.

In about the same month, another person asked me to open an insurance. She was an agent.  She needs commission.  I agree to open one then. After four months, I haven’t receive the policy, and realized that something is really wrong. Then, I had to face the situation of losing another money.

See, this year I am losing quite a lot of my saving.  Some for good reason and some not.  Bothers me a lot, when my sister then advise me to just forget about the loan and live happily everafter than to chase it with no result but frustration.

I keep it in my mind while I am suffering of another frustration in the office.  Sigh.  I just need myself back.  The real me.

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