Courage Me

It is been few weeks I feel disturbed. My heart.

Some time ago, I read of what Andy Noya wrote in his blog. The entry titled: Lentera Jiwa. A Soul Lantern?  Hm. Andy mentioned about some people who reach a stage in their life, when their works are their recreation. Those are people who already found their soul lantern. 

They must be very happy.  And I envy.

The high school alumny mailing list somehow talk of a same things.  As some friends are working in a different fields of their educational background. Most are agree that it is important to do what we love to do, other that fixed ourselves in something expected by our environment.  Educational background is not something so important for happiness, after all.

They are right. And I sigh.

I was promised myself not to make any further complaints or comments to my current job. But, time to time, I realized that I wasn’t free all my feeling. I was just let it ticking around the clock. And now, I am counting to zero.

I wish what I wrote here is from my very honest.

What is actually the things in this office that makes me so fed up?  The salary? or the people?  After ten years or some, this is a very first time I am worry about my salary.  That’s a good fact to remember. Yes, the salary is low, but that is not the thing that I am unhappy about. See it this way: I am working with a senior colleague, her salary is fourth times mine. Yet, I somehow think that she was a lucky person to be in position, because, when talking about working performance, for me, she doesn’t really worth of what she paid to.  She was not very smart, not efficient, procrastinate type who played game on working hours and spend and extra hours overtime to finish the main tasks, she has a strange habit, to have every stapler on the paper right on the very left in an exact position, or the address label printed right in a very middle of the envelope, she has no initiative, has no innovative skills, she also wasn’t expert in people skills and she is not a very nice person either, I can tell that in average our qualities are competitive.  But, I really envy of her luck. Compare myself with her make me depressed. I feel that I  can do much much better than her.  Not just feeling, many times in my life I had proven that. I know that my achievements had much better than her. 

That is exactly the feeling that ruin me.  It is hard.  I just unable to retreat the feeling.

I was very much in a desire to do something that I like, that I love.  Since the first day I work in this office, everyday I repeat to myself, how bored I am here when I want to do something that I love.  With same frequent I convince myself that my decision to work in this office was the best to do on my life situation.

Everyday I repeat to myself on how desperate I am dealing with the people in this office when on the same pace, I convince myself to hang on for another day.

I was torn in a self-confidence that I was too good to be under utilized this way in this office and the feeling that I don’t have a precious low heart or patience just to accept the situation.

That way, I fail to comfort my heart myself.   I start to compare my rewards with other people.  Unhealthy.  Ruin every efforts.

I wish I had the courage to be myself now.  To find my lantern.  And peace.

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