I Don’t Want Anyone See My Heart

The Finance Manager called and said: “Annie, smile!” then goes to a colleague cheerfully remarks: “I just tell Annie to smile!” She seems so proud of her effort.

I am not a smiley person. True. I admit it.

Twenty-four years ago I decided to change my personality.  I was actually a happy person.  I easy to cheers people and completely fast to laugh as dissolved in jokes. Life is not so complicated for me, as I could see everything beautiful through my joyful eyes, and able to see a funny simple things in a challenging environment.

Until one day when I mind what people said.  Seeing my merry jolly attitude from different view they label it as: overacting, centil, genit, rese ~~I just hardly translate it into english~~ They blantantly remark it in public.  My close relative advise me: “Jangan kecentilan” and my mom gave me a big eyes everytime she doesn’t approve my cheery laugh.  I don’t put much heart on those negative comments in the beginning, but as I hear it more often, I mind it.  One day I feel so ashamed of myself, felt the feeling of depression like I want to bury myself a kilometer below the ground if possible.  I want to hide myself from the world of my embarrasement because people called me ‘centil’.

I mind it. I think deeply about it.  And I decide to change my personality.

To be a calm person. A very calm person.  A cold person.  What is now me.

I still remember my middle-high-school time when my mood are swings as my personality. Once I was a chatty person when at the next day I was sooo quiet.  Once I was the party queen when at the next day I hardly move from the corner.  A complication that still shadowing my life until now.  Once I was the center of the crowd when at the next day I want to stay all day alone in my nest. One time I filled with creative ideas and lead people to make it real, when at the next time I avoid to participate a simple contribution on the work.

I made that decision to be not-smiley a long time ago.  I don’t regret. I feel so safe behind the mask. People are not able to see the real me. Much better for me if people think I am proud, cold, jutek, judes, cuek, whatever than to let them see my heart.

That is.

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