The beginning of the year feels so difficult and heavy. I can’t say it in a better way. That is. My husband hospitalized early January of a Steven-Johnsson syndrome caused of allergic to sulfa-based antibiotics that the doctor thinks can cure his cough.  At that time, I went to the office every morning, my son went to the school every morning, like the other same days but that days with a losing feeling.  All day I wanted to be in the hospital, stay near to his bed.  But even if I rushed in after work to visit him, there was not much I can tell him to comfort him.  I can’t tell if he’s getting better or not as he felt all uneasy and lost.  Staying in the same bed, in the small room just by himself for 10 days.  I learnt that words doesn’t comfort him, television doesn’t entertained him and medicine only slowly helped him.  I can’t help much. I cried. Frustrated.

The recovery happened slowly.  He happened to allergic to many kinds of foods and I have to carefully look on it.  He needs at least two month to recover the cracked lips and to be able to chew and swallow the food normally.  I went all the recovering process and see that it is not easy to be sick!

Not only him, me too, my son’s too.

As summer came, he getting better and better, stronger and healthier.  Get back the pounds that lost and getting happier.  While I can exhale relief breath,  my health turned to worsen to a dangerous stage.  Of course, it is as expected, but yet I can tell I am not ready to face it. I feel worn and exhausted. Those are days when I feel that I pass through every day with sadness, cry and prayers. I wasn’t optimistic and feel my pain would take longer and longer.  I lost hope.

That’s terrifying.  When you lost. Losing. Hope.

I challenge God.  God that I’ve know for many years.

Of where He is when I need Him?

I asked Him lots of questions of why He let this terrible life happened to me, a good children of Him?  I am not like any other who disobeyed, I am not like any other who ignoring God and religious practice.

Nor I indignant but my head almost exploded with lots of why and why?  Why God lets those unruly-life people to have a wealthy-happy life but not me?  Why God lets some people live luxuriously in a trials-fee life when I have to face a mountainously amount of it?

Why my beloved father can’t be in a second look down and save me?  I felt ignored.  Likely a dogs who watch crumbs from the master’s table.  I felt ignored like the most end person in the queue.  I felt treated unfair. Really unfair!

While down in the uncertainty, I know, fully realize, that nothing is fair in this world.

But, it doesn’t help me to sobs. Hours sob off my frustration and powerlessness of changing my situation.  Hours sob out to heaven wishing that somebody will care of me.  Hours sob of wanting an answer.  Even until this second I wrote this posting I don’t get a right feeling as when I can control my emotional feelings.  Knowing answer is not something I can expect, knowing that before I have to move forward I have to done one thing.

Forgiving.

Forgiving God.

Not for what He did to me.  But for what He didn’t do.

Surely sound strange.  Somehow I think I already did that few months ago by make a good commitment of something important.  But not yet, I am closed but not yet there.  I have to be there, soon. Reaching.

But not everybody think like me. Another facebook friend posted a status: people keep remembering one tower that fall but ignoring those killing in Iran and Afghanistan. Aaah.  So sorry to hear there are still people killing people in any part of this world, yet I, personally will keep remember the 9/11 no matter people choose to forget that.  And sorry I can not be more sympathy to Afghanistan as I know their own government doesn’t really protect their own people from poverty, sickness, and danger particularly the woman and the children.

I will be side by side by those people who campaign for peace. yes. I will agree with those who carry the mother and infant health as priority, in regulation and practice. yes.  I will be donating for those who work with the needy’s children education. yes.  I will applause those who stand for man and women equalization (yes, sorry still don’t get the idea why the women prohibited to vote, or to drive a car or to have education and why women not allowed to love and just accept a forced relationship).  That’s why even not every american is like what I quoted above, but knowing many of them are the same person as me, I will remember the 9/11.

I can’t be agree to have your anger throw by killing other people.  I can’t be agree to have your mission accomplished by made thousand people died.  I can’t be agree to take other’s life and other’s rights by thinking the God himself will approve their harmful action.

One of our fellow in the office was the victim of a Bali Bomb attack.  I don’t know him or his family personally, but at that time our prayer goes to his wife and little children.  Our hearts torn of losing him that way.  Grieving and get over with life won’t be easy for his family.  We fully understand and sad for her.  Yet, I don’t really know why I shouldn’t remember that event or why shouldn’t  we make a memorial every year or so?

As a free person with broad-mind, I still sometimes hurt when people think differently. Please, I will remember the 9/23. Hope it won’t happen again.  In any part of the world.

I do hope for some change. A good body that not getting tired easily.  A stomach that not getting heartburn every two hours.  I really missed the strong myself that usually keep up with any challenges.  Well, medicine and vitamins only helps me a little. The rest of my days I still hardly count as I felt it slowly gone with its difficulties.

About six weeks ago there is a job opening in this office. I was not so excitedly think about it, but after some encouragements from friends I decided to apply.  Happened that the interview went well.  Somehow too well.  Just few hours after that one of the interviewer congratulate me.  I decided not to be happy before I heard it from the director herself, which is a good decision because,  something wrong happened.  The director asked for a reference from my current supervisor and he *ouch* appointed only the mistakes that I made in the past.  I failed to the position then. When I know the matter that made me failed I can not do nothing but felt angry, and too much angry even until now. Why should he gave such a bad reference like that? Why he made assumption on case and blame it on me who happened took a sick leave when it happened?

I took a step to bravely wrote an email and talked to him about that.  It wasn’t easy. For two years and somehow more I did try to make him understand that I am underpaid. I was given work and responsibilities that keep growing without considering the fact that the position was in a lower classification because the management think they won’t need my skills on that position! I did my work consistently diligent yet he complains a lot and only highlighted about the facebook time I caught been.  What about other people who also was in the facebook and their quality was low and their work not done? He doesn’t even say a sorry, he said – well, okay, the things not completely your mistake but still you got a part on it! What?

This is really unfair. The whole story is unfair.  I feel so angry. That is why I don’t feel any sorry feeling nor sympathy when I heard he is in trouble, he lost his apartment, he lost his money, he lost his power in his position.  What you expect me to do? You did so rude and cruelly hold my salary review and you asked me to be sorry for your situation?  To be honest I can not respect him as I should do, I keep thinking how rude he was to me from time to time by keep blaming me on any mistakes.

I wish for a change.  Not only physically. I wish I could be stronger. Body and mind.  If two years ago, after I gave up those unlucky debt I felt so free and happy. This year, if I gave up this review will I feel the same?

Some says: Love is blind.

Nothing is so blind when one fall in love and saw their lover as the most beautiful creation in this world.  Did I blind?  Could be.  But, from the beginning, I choose my life partner not based on look nor money.  I was hundred percent in healthy assessment through the multiple shaded of personality and dig through multiple layers of options.  When the summary went to a conclusion, I don’t look back and just accept the result with a big heart. 

 But I think it is true  that love is blind.

When love was blind?

It is now.  Once I choose him I blind.  I am no longer make any assessment as I accept anything I got as it is.  Eventually when something went wrong, I still blind, and forgive it easily.  Salomon said, Love is stronger than death.  Paul said, Love covers everything.  Not only messy teeth or messy eyebrows.

More and beyond.  To the unlimited horizon, of love.

Before I wrote her a reply I think to myself.  Why it is so annoying when someone make a show-off like that? 

Envy.

 Haha.

What? I want to make a show-off myself? Not my style.

Or, I want to befriended a boss?  Sigh. Maybe if I one of the boss myself.:P

Or, *dig deeper* I want to be like her.  Oh yes, could be.  See her.  An un-mature women five years older than me.  Why I said she is un-mature? Because she is racist and underestimating people.  Fortunately, she has a rich husband.  A husband who pay for her branded bags, her Blackberry and her travel toBangkok.  Though the computer system was created by me, she  is the one that has all the chance to boasting of her busy role to the bosses *and get the credit and get befriended*  About this kind of woman, when in conversation with my colleague, I sometimes rolled my eyes and say: what will they be without their rich husband? They certainly have not superb just by themselves!

Yet, in this unfair world, they live better than many other women that struggling their days just to feed the family and they acted snobbishly underestimating.  Made me and my colleagues bit our tongue hope  a bigger hand will get rid of her.

Some people think I am snob.  I am not.  I am proud.  And, more important, I have something to be proud about.   About myself.  How many women you know talented enough to played three kind of musical instruments, for instance?  Yet, I know it will be annoying if I keep highlighted that to people, right?  And when I don’t have any talent and just a so-so employee? Surely annoying, even more, disgusting.

I wrote back to my friend: “I know that fella is annoying. She might forget that this life is sometimes like a wheel.  Once you are down, sometimes you are up.  Comfort yourself.  Hang in there.”

I googled to Freud.  Dream interpretation.

It says that I might have longing to return to the peaceful mother’s womb that filled with water.  Or in another words, it may explain my experience as a fetus. Scientifically make sense.  Yet I can tell any Freudians that I was a swimmer when I was young and now I might longing to get back to be one.

If I look back, surely I don’t really think I want to get back to be a baby.  Though almost all people think being teenager was the best time of their life, they would agree that being an responsible adult give more chances for happiness. 

Being a adult, particularly with a profession,  gave people a sense of importance.  See, in this big world, there are much people live meaningless. They just follow the stream, with not much dream.  I know many young people around me that don’t care of continue their study to any higher institution think that God had the fate for them to be poor.   They don’t care  to make themselves valuable at least to their family. Sigh.  I also know a lot of women who doesn’t really have plan for their life nor their child, and just live from day to day.  They might be loved by their family, but to my experience, their ignorance poisonously spread over their children and returned them with no love at all.  When some other had advanced their mindset and has dreams that leads them to a job, a position and money that secured their dignity.  And when some other has even bigger dreams that brought them to be famous and meaningful not only to their family but to the world. 

Job, position and salary do makes people’s life different. More meaningful. At least for their secured family that grown from the money earned.  Good job and position gave a strong contribution to pride, again, for a meaningful life. 

Back to the dream.  I am sure I don’t miss my baby experience.  Though I might felt that was the most secured time in my life, when my parents responsible for all I need and I only need to cry to communicate   But no, thanks, I may want to revisit my childhood but certainly not that period.

In these twelve years, I moved to four different houses, use three different set of sofa and dining table, bought four computers, four different set of curtains, many different set of bedsheet and dont-know-how-many changes in home decoration things. When a maid worked in my house, I never satisfied with their works. I made a regular check to the inside of the drawers, back of the curtains, beneath the cupboards or above, to find out that their task didnt finish perfectly.  Then I decided to do my home myself.  I have no complaint anymore but the tiredness of having everything tidy and clean.

I can’t leave the home with dishes in the sink. I have to wash it first.

I can’t happily leave home without hang the laundry.  So I wake up early in the morning to have laundry processed.

I can’t feel safe leaving home with dirty clothes all around, with food still on the table or on the stove.  Than to think about it all over on the way to the office, I decided to run over to have everything ready and safe the last 5 minutes for shower and make-up.  For me, better to have a nice house than to have a pretty face *aah, not really. I think I can do the make-up things in the car. Glad I don’t drive myself

But I realize up to a point I become too obsessed.  When realizing it, I slow the pace and sometimes close my eyes when seeing my son’s book all over the table or the room.  But, in a period of two or three days, the obsession come back and would make me yell at my child seeing the messy behavior.

I may worry of what people will think if they see my house.  I may afraid they think that I am not a good woman, a good housewife or a good mom upon seeing my messy house.  I may made my own standard too high. Whatever it is, I feel this is not right.

Is there a cure for this?

I agree with more than half of that book.  The story is about a Kate Reddy with two toddlers that works as a Investment Manager.  She is with many an a lot of pressure.  From her workplace, an office where men are the ruler and women is to be underestimated.  From her in-law who thinks that being a working woman is not an appropriate way of life.  From her daughter’s school parents that in competition to achieve who is the best attentive mom, who is the smartest to go to a sophisticated school.  And eventually more pressure from the nanny, from the driver, from friends and even from unknown people in the street.  

For years, I am unable to tell people my feelings but this book slicing it at once! 

I somehow hate competition when it is about whose children is the best.  I also not into a grouping of stayed-home mom and working-mom who sat in two different side of the school when pick-up the children.  I certainly feel a lot of pressure when the stay-home mom start to mention that I work too much or travel too much and /or sharply commented of me not taking care of my husband and my son.  

I know there is a lot of women who doesn’t believe in equality.  For them, they have to be the sacrificing party who provide husband and children with food, three times and more daily, each meal to each person’s favorite, to provide clean clothes and bed sheet, provide clean and tidy house by keep moving the glass to the sink, scissor to the cupboards, dirty clothes to washing machine, all day long and left them with no time and energy for themselves.  Then they feel good because they think their homes is safe and the hero. 

When they see someone like me who let my husband cook and give my teenager son a responsibility to the house, they think I am an egoistic woman.  I can’t blame them as I don’t force them to believe what I believe.  But unfortunately I got judged almost all the time. 

Some people I know still pointing their finger towards me because in their personal opinion working in an office is not an option for woman.  They’re so afraid that I will neglect my house by saying that eventually I have to learn to cook!  Cooking is not my talent, but I am sure play musical instruments is also not everybody’s talent.  My dishes are not super delicious but I can assure that it is healthy.  Less salts and no sugar.   

Enough for self defense.  Basically, I love this book!  I feel so Kate.  Kate who wants to actually dedicated all of her time for her family.  Who worked and have her salary paid most of the luxury their family enjoyed.  I knew some men who not even tell their wives of how much their income and only give kind of portion for their wives to manage.   When it comes to a woman, I know if they don’t tell their husband of their salary it is only because they don’t want the man feel discouraged.  

A story from that book that I like.  About a princess that meet a frog.  The frog jump to her lap and said: You know, I am a prince, if you kiss me, I can turn back to be one.  Then we will get married, and you will be happy to taking care of my food and my clothes and borne my children.  You will feel contented all of your life!  The princess smile and send the frog to the kitchen for frogs leg cuisine for dinner.  Big Grin.

I don’t remember since when, but every year, I will take sometimes for myself to be alone.  I usually took some days to be away from my home and from my work.  Usually overseas, to new country I never visit before.  I like to learn about new things, learn about the culture, feel the atmosphere, see  the beauty of the nature and heritage and absorb a new energy to be me myself. 

Nothing more better for me that spend 8-10 hours in a day to walk around.  For instance, in Thailand, I like to walk around the Wats.  Temples are some of few places that I like to see and to be in.  Beautiful places and peaceful air.  In Cambodia, I surely will walk all days in the ruins of Angkor.  The moldy smell is comfortable not disturbing to me.  Each end of the day I would have to download the pictures from my camera as it is full.  In Vietnam and Hong Kong, I love the bay and the city.  In Macau I love the churches and spent hours to explore each church, photographing each altars and sit quietly for an hours or two.  

The temples and the churches made me talking to God.  Have a intimate conversation that will never shared to any man in this world.  Listen to His softly voice inside my heart and have my burden somewhat taken away.  In those places and in those time I totally forget about house-chores, about food to prepare, groceries shopping not done, house cleaning and laundry that being a measurement of my success to be a mother. 

In those nice places where I observed the beauty of the earth I forget the emails not answered, the faculty’s inquiry and blame to taken care, the curriculum, the budget, the books order that keep me busy 8 hours in the office.  I just feel close to God, and simply forgetting and forgiving anyone ever made mistake towards me.  

Those time when I don’t need to speak to anyone, I speak to my creator.  Those time when I eat by myself I absorb the nutrition slowly with a grateful praise.  Being a loner only make my soul isolated but not my spirit.

I have four siblings.  When we were young as children in our parent’s home, we were all learned to play piano.  But after years gone by, apparently its only me who successfully able to played it.  After five years using an ancient version, my dad bought a new piano. So, after my Dad passed away seven years ago, I asked my mom if I can have the piano.  Then, my mom say yes.  But, just few days after that retrieve the approval said that my little sister wants to learn how to play. 

I was sick and sad.  The heartache needs sometime to heal.  I mean, from everything my Dad left, I only want the piano.  With a good reason, that I am the only able to function it.  

Four years ago, I bought a piano myself.  I my own money to buy an old piano.  I love it much.  I can play at home, I can teach my son and surely I enjoy the presence of it.  Now, why suddenly my mom changed her mind? 

But I was not let myself to think twice.  I say yes, and within two weeks, I moved the piano to my house.  As my own piano I sell with a good price to a fellow who needs it.  Now, I have a piano that was walking through the time with me in the past.  That was exactly the same piano  that I practice with during my piano examination.  That was certainly the same thing the I played with to prepare for concert performance.  Same  tune, same sound and same feeling. 

I might not able to return to the past *and surely not wished too.  But this piano is a revisit to a dream in my future.