Softly & Slowly
A fastmovers that would like to start doing things slowly (and speak softly)!Happy New Year 2009!
I decide to change the me-picture in this blog, for a good wish of a happy and prosperous new year!
Here is the look on March 2008- December 2009:
Here is the look on 2007 when this blog begin to Feb 2008:
Yes, I love stones!
Against The Crowd
One day in a speech session, the new pastor’s wife make an announcement: “Well, I don’t know how to play the piano and I am not an expert in children’ education. But, I can smile!”
Huh. Smile? Pretty lady has the right to be proud of her beauty. Why she need to smile if she is pretty without it already? *reasoning*
One day in a overheard conversation at the office: “Well, her works are good but she is too quiet. I saw her going everywhere by herself. She not a social person!”
Huh. Social person? Are you talking about gossiping around? *facts*
One day in a friends conversation about why we don’t look much on being rich or famous. Why we so content in what we are now: “We are thinking against the crowd, that’s why we looks weird!”
Aha! That’s me! Against the Crowd. I love that word! ♥
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Hire A Servant or Do It Yourself (Forever)
In this city of Jakarta, commonly in each house there will be a servant. One or two ladies serve for domestic works and sometimes may include to taking care baby or children. I can tell that having a servant should be make our life much more easier.
As a working mother, the first four years of my son, I always have a servant at home. My son need to be fed at certain time, need to take shower at certain time and need to play with. Things that I won’t be able to do because I was working at the office. I did not always happy with the servant. See this one. I asked the servant to prepare a bottle of milk for my son ~~she was I assumed came from a very rural area where hygiene and sanitation standards are low~~ Without washing her hands that was mopping the floor, she got the milk, pour the hot water from thermos and without put in the bottle cap, just her thumbs on the top of it, she shakes the bottle. OMG. I was horrified imagined that she did that when I didn’t see. But I realized later that though I taught her a lot of time how to prepare a sterile milk, she never able to understand.
My husband many times were not happy with the servants, because they were so ignorant when ironing his trousers. One day, I saw him preaching with a pair of trousers had two ironing lines. I wishes I had time to do the ironing myself, at least just to taking care his clothes, but yet life doesn’t spare enough time for me to keep doing that ~~which is the very reason why I need the servant, rite?~~
Other than those that I mentioned before, I had some other reason why I don’t happy with the servants. One sleep too much, woke up much later than us and sleep earlier than us while she also took nap in the afternoon. The other one never wash her clothes and wore the same clothes each times makes the body smelt so bad. The other one never brush her teeth. The other one put the hot iron on my clothes. The other one stole money from my husband’s wallet. The other one put her time much on dating and not working. Rarely I found a perfect one.
So up to a point, I decide to not hire any servant anymore. I can do house chores myself. Which is true. I am more satisfy with the result. My son now can take care of himself due to meal and I don’t have to worry if he is by himself at home. I feel free! I don’t share the worry of my friends who looking for a servant because the current one resigned. I don’t share the hectic of my friends who in battle to find a servant. I don’t share the complaints of my friends who not satisfy with their hired-servants’ work.
But I have to admit that sometimes I need a help. Particularly in time like this, while I feel physically tired and lack of sleep. I admire those women who able to work in the office or outside home while taking care of children. Doing house-chores after office is fun sometimes, but not all the times. I hardly kept in the same pace all the time.
Limited Dream
This morning I was click on someone’s facebook unintentionally. She works in the same place with me but I am not her friend. Why not? Well, let me tell you why….
She and her friend are kindda a popular girls. Whenever ther is an office party, they took the role as the singers, or main dancers to whom people’s eyes would look to. In day conversation they were talking about many different glamorous ~~at least looks glamours to me~~ things like places to go, hip hang-outs clubs to be in, branded outfits to wear and so. I rarely able to follow the flow of those conversation since I am just a simple girl with a simple life. The whole impression that I got from them is: that they are happily single girls with happy colourful life with dynamic never-ending energy to hold the world with those cool friends in their wide networks.
I won’t be able to be a friend with a person like that.
But this morning I got different opinion after seeing what in her facebook. I saw her picture with some of her friends, I saw her picture traveling to other part of the world with her close friend and her boyfriend. But, other than feeling envy, I feel sick. Weird huh? Tell me, why people posting their pictures in the facebook? Because they want to tell the world about their proud life ~~and hopefully to make people envy~~. Why people put a picture of them in front of the statue of Liberty or in the Giza pyramid or in Eiffel Tower other than post a picture taken when they in their backyard? Surely because them, and I and all, want the world knows that we were visiting those cool places so we also looks cool because not everybody in this world lucky enough to be able to go.
Okay, back to the topic. Seeing her collection did not makes me envy, at all. From those proud pictures I could see a girl who her life is less colourful than what I thought. She ~~and her friend~~ is only a girl that had limited life and dream and small circle of life. Her picture is not funny is not cherrie is not alive. It was not more than just people smiles to the camera without much soul. I don’t feel like I think her days are cool or funny and I know for sure that what I had is much more better than those. Somewhat I feel pity of her. If she is a simple girl just like other, why she had to pretend ~~or maybe not pretend~~ or acted like she is a glamour one?
I don’t get it.
Proud?
Unfair
I was in grade 6 and my younger brother in grade 3. I don’t remember what the story but once my father bought my younger brother a bicycle. Only my brother, not me or my other younger sister. The bicycle just for him not for us.
My father’s younger brother was lived with us. My father asked him to taught my brother to cycled. I do interested to learn too, but uncle never take me at those lesson. One day I caught my brother prepare for cycled, I asked if I can come. He was okay but apparently uncle did not. All the way from home to the track he completely ignored me and left me behind in any conversation. During the lesson, he let my brother on the bicycle most of the time, and when I asked for a turn, he let me but then just sat by himself. Eventually my younger brother is as excited as me though he hasn’t learn much yet. He helped me to learnt by giving kind of different instruction he thought may help me and help to held the bicycle as I cycled.
I dont really understand why uncle so ‘hate’ me when ‘love’ my brother, but I then realized that he was always treated differently for a belief that girls are to be in the kitchen and at home and there is no urgency even need to teach girls anything but cook and clean.
Though that was’t the first time I dealt with unfairness treatment for boys-girls but I can say that is the first time I got the spirit to rebel to the unfairness. From that time I saw my uncle not as a relative but as an unfair agent of power. Later then I became more and more awareness of people different treatment to man and woman, I was ready and armed. I was then more sensitive to the issue.
Some of my middle school’s friend thought that I was brave. Once a man on our way home open his fly and showed us his things. My friends scream and speechless, I directly challenged his eyes and talked in a high tone: “Close it, or I would kick!” I believe not many middle school girl would react that way makes that man looked at me puzzled but then close his fly and go as if there was nothing happen.
Another time, three of us ~~still middle schoolers~~ were followed by three young man when came back from school. My friends were afraid, but I choose an open space to take a turn to faced them and ask: “What you guys want by following us” Those young man looked at each other as I knew they did not expected me to caught them that way. One of them made a movement but then change his mind as I was bravely step up. I didn’t know any karate or other self defense skills. All I have is a spirit to be fair. Girls and women are not to be bully. Girls and women are equal with boys and man.
As I grow up the same spirit is with me and now. I am no longer dealt with a gang of bully but a more bigger and somewhat specific issue like different grade given to boys in a class because the proff thinks girls know nothing about the lesson, a yell from truck driver who thinks they are a better driver than a woman, abusive jokes and poligamy. I still think this world is unfair to woman, no matter what religious justification ever made.
Enjoy The Best of It
The day is nearer for us to move. I myself prefer to have things settled soon as possible to enable me to breath out from the pressure of the process. But like a puzzle, I have to wait and carefully let every piece fall on its place. Though the times feels like fly but I still restless and grab every chance I have to enjoy what I have now.
I usually went to the swimming pool twice to three times a week. My work is so much unnatural as I spent most of the time in front of the computer. When I have to walk, it makes me tired cause I have to either walk fast or carry a heavy box in my hand. I don’t enjoy those kind of walk 
Nearby in my neighbourhood there are two public swimming pools with low price ticket. When my working schedule is 9-5, I went in the morning when the water is still cold. When my working schedule is 7-3, I went in the afternoon when the sky is blue. Now in November the climate is changing to rainy season, whenever possible I still go to the swimming pool. For a reason, in my new home, there is no nearby swimming pools. I have to change my exercise.
In my current home, seem like everything is on reach. Public transport never cease and groceries stores are many. I can choose from a small shop to a big supermarket chain. Fresh market is also near. In my new home, I still disoriented and not familiar with the public transport. Groceries store are few makes our choices is limited not only by the kind but also the distance.
The air is fresher in our current place and more rain as we are closer to the mountain. Something I know I will miss a lot in the new home. Uh.
Demand and Tolerance
Chat this morning with my friend. Bus from home usually arrived at the school around 6:30am in the morning, means, I still have around 45 minutes to play with my computer or chit-chat around with friends. Unfortunately somehow some people unable to understand that and when catch me play they send a complaint through my boss ~~who attentively knows that the complaint is in wrong place hehe~~
Back to the topic. This morning chat is kind a heavy rain. Two days ago I experience a storm. Dark sky, heavy rain, big wind, lightnings and thunders flows all dust from the ground, leaves from the trees and break it’s branches. After the storm, electricity was down and for a long hours we enjoy the clean air. Kind of air that I rarely able to enjoy in Jakarta’s polluted environment. Somewhat interesting how the storm change the air quality.
I always feel being burdened by a great demand made in my home. As the eldest of five children I have to be very good. A kind perfect person obeying all my parent’s order. I should be perfect.
Those are too difficult for me. For many years I don’t really know what I want. I was too afraid of being cheery and too shy to explore. Before doing anything I consider what my mom will say, what my dad will comments, what this person or that person or neighbour or people will say. My mom keep saying: don’t makes us ashamed! which to me refer as an absolute order to be calm and obedience at all time ~~consider how difficult it is for an expressive teenager like me~~ If I attempted to break the rules my mom had two different treatments. First, silent treatment, not to talk to me for a long time, could be for two or three weeks. Second, crying and sick to makes me felt a burdened guilty feeling.
I should not rebel no matter how unfair the situation to me, I should not yell not matter how tired I was, I should not cry no matter how sad I was and just following the rules and be perfect!
One day my dad pointed a girl from my church. This girl appeared to be dilligent, got A grade and obedience in piano practice. My heart was broken. Please don’t compared me with another in such unfair comparison. But what could I do? ~~Ten years after that I still clearly remember what my dad had said and in a chance pointed her back to him, because she turned to be not as perfect as expected. Jokingly I asked my dad: do you wish I follow her now?~~ I somehow know that his love to me is conditional. It is only there if I am good and nice, not when I was not. It could be true, because never to my experience my parents accepted me just as I am.
Eleven years ago I decided to get married. I was too much too tired of repeating arguments with my mom. She accused me as a snob girl, a not nice girl, a crazy girl and called me with hundreds negative labels. I was tired of the silent treatments, of the crying and of the sickness, fed up with the kind talks about my friends who got married to force me out of my peaceful world. I was exhausted of being labeled and blame for anything goes wrong. In fact, I don’t really wants to get married. At least not yet by the time I remember. I had plenty of goals to achieve. Eleven years ago I surrender my life and my future to makes my mom happy. I marry a man that I only knew for a six months before the wedding day. I even not sure that I will be happy everafter as I know that I don’t know well the man I marry with.
If I looked back I know I don’t regret. I have a nice home though it is not a perfect one. But where is my mom when I suffered of home conflicts? Where is she when I need a support with my child? Where is she when I faced these challenges?
Where is the support and where is the love? All I knew is demand and demand which so demanding.
My friend, D, is also an eldest of five children. Felt the same demand, and feel a hatred of being treat unfair by parents. So similar. Makes me asked a good question: tell me how to free yourself from the hatred?
She said, it is difficult. I know. It is not easy to ease myself from the hatred. I still felt it now. Even when I wrote this.
To me, the result of those demanding demands to my personality is this: when I met some people who is difficult, I won’t tolerate. For some difficult people I rather hate them and attack them and let nothing unfair they do to me without any revenge. Not give in, not give up nor give way. Why? Because simply I don’t feel ever been tolerated nor understood? I justify my intolerance by pointing my past which also means that I did not totally forgive it. I know that is not a good behavior I want to keep, but tell me how to get out of that!
Buddha said: In this world never hatred overcome by hatred, only tolerance could prevail hatred.
This morning chat with Bu D is like a heavy rain washed my confused brain. Like the storm that removed a large part of the trash from my heart. I am not alone suffering. And if Bu D could tolerate why can’t I? I know I can. I can.
Threatened
This latest I was so annoyed by some people. I don’t really know what chemistry is wrong, but somehow my life direction are going in different ways with these particular people. Not only we are so much so different but also so much so unable to accept each other presence.
So one day, this particular person man who been-famous-of-photography when I don’t understand what so cool about what he has taken upon seeing the results and who been-famous-of-being-good-person but I don’t understand why people think like that because he is the very one who cheated on his wife and divorce her and also been-famous-of-being-smart-in-computer but I don’t really feel it is true particulary when compare it with my skills, came to my nerves of his unability to cooperate with other and me. I complained about his behavior to my co-worker and my boss, who are just roll their eyes because they better known than me about he is always non-cooperative. What more interesting to me is what my co-worker said: he is being threatened because I never showed any special appreciation to him not like many people who treat him like half angel.
Oh, okay. This is not new, but still something I want to speak up about. I met some people in my life who is similar to him. Feel not happy when met me and realized that I don’t think they are ’something’. But, why should they felt like that? They also free to make their judgement about me, right? They can underestimate me or think that I am a loser, there is nothing I will do to their opinion as I believe that everybody is free to have their own opinion. But, obviously, I also don’t care if they think about me that way!
So, some people I met hardly trying to prove how smart, how talented, how rich or how popular they are. They talked and talked about their achievements whenever they can, or making an effort to underestimate me by critize what I did or simply seeing me low. The more I don’t care the more they do it. The more I ignore them the more they make an effort to makes me looks stupid.
If I had to talk about myself, I will do it in this blog. Only.
If I would like to post my all-around-the-world pictures or countries-I-visited photos, I will do it in this blog. Only. Not in lunch conversation nor in facebook. ~~I know only some friends do following this blog ~~
And as those people feel threathened of me being like this? Nothing could change my self esteem nor my pride, not anymore. Let it be.
Don’t Raise Shy Child
It is very true when you heard the says: Teach the children well, treat them nice and be careful of what you say or do to them, because they remember all!
I clearly remember my childhood. Which is quite ironic because I forgot most of my university and after. There are some people that I must know add me in the facebook but I was failed to remember them. Approve them because I know they must known me well and I knew all of our mutual friends. 
I can not tell that my childhood was the best. There are time when I cried because I was too ashamed to be involved in something that I actually want to. Once in kindergarten class, I cried because I want to go in the line but I was too ashamed and has no brave to get along. I wished the teacher took me, but she didn’t ~~of course, she had no idea that I would be that shy~~ The feeling killed me. I ended up has no friends. Not popular. Not happy.
Many times in my elementary years people treated me as a troublemaker. I was not too naughty, means though sometimes I was rebel it was not something to make the teachers called my parents. But I experience a lot of rejection particularly when I want to be part of a play. I had to admit that I was not athletic. For among four students run, I would be the number four. Still, I don’t think it is okey to let aside of me just because of that. There are another play that need a smart tactics more than being fast runner. When I appeared to be the second winner to poetry reading, nobody applaused. When I want to join a team, I will rejected. I was then making friends with some other kids that is not popular.
So, there are times when I think about my life and what I want. The ideas came at my sixth grade, when I was 12 years old. I want to be someone better, and from that time I change. No more rejection, and if there is, it wasn’t me rejected but me reject them!
But let me ask a question now. I am still shy, until now. I saw a lot of children now, but rarely found anybody that is as shy as me thirty five years ago. Why I was so shy?
Raising children needs more than just age. Being in a sufficient age to have children doesn’t makes human able to raise a child right. When I was working in community development field, I could tell that a lot of young women does not only young in their age but also in their maturity. They can be pregnant but unable to feed their child with a balance nutrition. They could have three or four children but unable to play with them.
As a child I need more than just an order to eat, to sit or to sleep. I also need more than somehow love to feed me and provide me with enough education. I need love beyond those that able to see my weakness and able to sit with me to talk about it and get it over and able to see the new me.
The failure to had all those resulting in what people could see me now. The shadow of my insatisfaction still on my way and everytime. I hardly become easy to error and tough to myself. I let no mistake on my way and no defect on my character ~~which is so impossible to be~~ I could not be so close even to my own parents and hardly forgive them for what they did wrong to me. I still under the umbrella of my mom sharp tongue that slicing my heart at anytime when she critizes me. Even if now I am much wiser and know that more than half that she did to me was wrong and half what she said to me was not right, I could not easily forgive her. A pattern of being unhappy child repeated each time and everytime without an end.
I know many of people in my small world would say that I am lucky enough. Well, that might be true. But, I write this definitely not to ask back for those missing years. I wish anybody read this eventually if they are parents to be more carefully educate their children. Raise a health child, physically and mentally. Don’t raise a shy child like who was like an ugly duckling turned into (imperfect) swan!
